How to Deal With Disappointment

When Life Doesn’t Go to Plan

Have you ever felt that sinking feeling when you notice you’ve been excluded from a social get together? Or the work promotion or opportunity you were overlooked for. Or the niggling feeling that you haven’t "made it" by now, whatever that means for you perhaps financially or professionally.

By the time we begin to reach or are well into midlife, most of us are no strangers to disappointment. It’s a time of high responsibilities, identities shift. Whilst in many ways we feel more self aware, we know what we like and want and feel more resiliant. But the sting of rejection and the ache of disappointment still affects us.  Plans shift, people let us down, doors close. Perhaps a long-hoped-for opportunity vanishes, a friendship falters, or you’re simply left with the quiet ache of something not turning out the way you’d imagined.

Disappointment feels different for everybody.

For some it’s a simple ‘ugh’ and others it feels like a chest crushing anxiety. It can be a mixture of the two and arise at anytime for different reasons.

Anytime you attach hope to an experience that doesn’t materalise our brains have to then process the shock that the ‘thign’ you’d longed for didn’t happen.

But imagine this, imagine living disappointed rather than risk feeling the disappointment. Because the flip of disappointment could be something incredible and in order to feel disappointment you’ve got to have given it a go. It’s a sign that you’ve tried, hoped, reached and risked. That you’re paying attention to your life.

So how do we move through disappointment?

1. Let it land

There’s often a reflex to minimise our feelings, to label them as “silly” or “dramatic.” But disappointment deserves space. Whether it’s a cancelled holiday, a job rejection, or something more complex, giving yourself permission to feel it without the need to fix it immediately is a quiet act of emotional maturity. Naming the feeling, instead of outrunning it.

2. Watch the inner critic

Disappointment has a way of inviting in old stories,  “You should be further ahead,” “You’re not good enough,” or “You always mess things up.” Be mindful of that voice. You don’t have to believe everything it says. Instead, try to notice the tone of your inner dialogue. Would you speak that way to someone you love?

3. Reframe, don’t rewrite

There’s a temptation to search for silver linings straight away, lessons learned, doors that opened, the classic “everything happens for a reason.” Sometimes, those things become clear with time. But initially, it’s okay not to rush to find the meaning. Instead, consider reframing your disappointment as part of your process, not the end of the story, but a detour.

Finally, Don’t let disappointment put you off. Just pay attention to it. If we can reframe disappointment as a loss rather than a failure, an alignment on what you really want next, it will help refocus your energies. Sometimes we don’t know what really matters to us until we feel that huge sense of disappointment so it actually offers us insights.  Instead try and focus on when life does surprise you in positive ways. Write down those moments in the notes section of your phone and refer back to them when you’re feeling like things are not going your way, because the likelihood is they might just be.